First, I would like to start by saying that I am not writing this blog for anyone’s entertainment. I am writing this blog to make sense of my life, that is currently in shambles, and for the possibility of my loved ones to understand (just a fraction) the grief that I am currently engulfed in. This may even be a peace offering for my constant isolation that I place myself in because “no one understands.” Realistically, the majority of my friends and family do not understand the amount of pain I face daily. I am a 25 year old woman with no mother. However, most days I find myself feeling like a 5 year old girl looking for her mothers comfort after a terrible nightmare.
On January 27th, 2015 my father, brother, and I had to make the painful decision to take my mother off of life support. Three weeks prior, my brother informed me that my mother was going to the hospital while I was at work. I was mad. I was tired of her not taking care of herself and constantly having to worry about her. I couldn’t keep rushing to her aid and helping her. I chose to stay at work. Hours later I discovered she was in the hospital, by herself, in critical condition. My mother had stopped breathing on her own. I immediately drove to the hospital. Two and a half excruciating weeks (ten of those days with a breathing tube down her throat), my mother was in the ICU. My mother was sedated half the time but she slowly regained her strength, and as a result was transferred to the Recovering Unit. Then, one day, she just gave up. My mothers life was fully dependent on machines and medication. She wasn’t responding to anything. She passed within a few minutes after removing the life support.
July 27th, 2015 marks 6 months of her passing and is also her 59th birthday. My mother did not reach 60 years old. My mother will never see me in a wedding dress nor meet my future children. My mother will never see the first home I purchase and more importantly, she will never tell me to “be careful” when I leave the house again.
I hated those words; “be careful.” Of course I was going to be careful, I’m not an idiot! I also hated her hugs and her neediness just to be my mother. Now, I’d give everything I had to have that again. That’s the thing about losing a loved one though, you can’t bargain your way out of it, and material things won’t bring them back.
I was able to tell my mother how sorry I was for every mean word I had spoken to her, and I had the opportunity to encourage her and love her one last time. It will never be enough. I will always being praying to God to relay to my mother that I am eternally sorry and that she is loved.
Lost in grief.