People around me have experienced vivid dreams about my mother. I have not. One family member had a dream that she was still here, like normal, but could not speak. Another family member dreamt that she was on vacation with my mother. All dreams were experienced as if they were in real life and present time. I have not had a dream.

I emphasize that I have not had a dream because I am envious. I do believe (I think) in life after death because I am a Christian (I think), so I feel as though my mother should come to me in a dream. Or maybe I just crave that connection with my mother since I no longer have a connection with her on earth. However, I have had nightmares.

Last night I dreamt that I went to call my mother to invite her to something, an important event if you will. In theĀ “dream” I attempted to her call her, but then I realized that she was gone, and I would never be able to contact her or invite her to another special moment in my life again. The pain in my heart seared through me and I almost lost my breath (in the “dream”). I awoke to that same searing pain in my heart, my mind, and my soul. It hurts so much that the nightmare is actually my reality. Sometimes I can’t comprehend not seeing my mom again, and other times the realization comes so quickly it nearly knocks me off of my feet. I miss her. Even though we weren’t best friends, I miss her, and I want her back.

I had another dream that she had never left me, but my father took her place. In “dream” my father had passed away and my mother was still on this earth with me. She was still mentally and physically sick. I begged her to get better because I had already lost my father, but she didn’t, and she never left her bed.

When I first lost my mother I thought I saw her everywhere. I saw a thin woman with bleach blonde hair and I was sure that it was my mother. I would even hold my breath until the mystery ladies would turn around and I could see their face. It was never my mother. I exhaled.

I pray that one day I will be able to have a connection with my mother again, in any way, because I miss her, and I have so much left to say.

Lost in Grief